Bambi

Now I know what you are going to say. Yes, it has been a while. A full year to be exact. Perhaps that is too long to keep your viewers hanging on. Perhaps you will think otherwise after the upcoming glorious reviews of a childhood favourite of many an adult out there. 

Yes, we're back.

Get yourself a cuppa, sit back and enjoy five minutes of someone else talking about a film that you could just as easily sit and watch yourself. It's time for Disney Rascal's presents -

It's Bambi time. The tale of a small deer and *spoiler alert* the saddest moment in Disney history.

Our first challenge, getting through the opening credits. Those that have watched early Disney Classics will know that the credits that you normally find at the end of films actually run through colourful animations before the story even begins. And boy do they go on.

Already falling asleep after seven minutes, we are suddenly awakened by a bit of a shock. A scary old man owl comes out of hibernation to find that a new young prince has been born. Bambi is a boy? What. It's been a while since I've seen it but I was pretty sure when I was a young boy, Bambi was a female deer... Is this even the right film?

After a full seven minutes of the names of people that used to draw deer, the action does not exactly kick on. The first ten minutes of Bambi is a new born Bambi walking through the forest to different woodland creatures saying 'Good Morning Young Prince'.

It get's old.

Fast.

Finally, one of Walt's apparent finest creation's kicks into gear when we meet Bambi's new BFF. A young hoodlum rabbit called Thumper. Better not hang out with him Bambi, he looks like trouble with all his answering back to his mother and playing away from his nameless brothers and sisters. He even eats the flowers that he isn't supposed to. Come on Thumper. Make better choices.

That said, anyone watching this film hoping for a decent bromance type film (and I can't imagine there are many of you) would be very excited by these cross-specie buddies.

Bet Bambi's Mum isn't too pleased with the crowd that her young Prince has fallen into. I suppose that's just another Disney tale of a broken home for you.
Mother Deer clearly likes a bit of danger though. After a big ol' chat about how the nearby meadow is super dangerous and that Bambi shouldn't go there until he's older, for some reason we walk immediately there and play around.
Now let's hop back to that Bambi is a boy shock. At this point I feel like I have definitely never watched this film as Bambi has just met a young love interest. A female deer. Yeah. Pretty obvious.

In another blow for Mother Deer's parenting skills, in response to Bambi asking who his father is, she point's to the Great Prince Deer of the Forest. A large stag who is clearly responsible for all the young deer in the forest. #Player.

Bambi head's off into the forest with his newly found Father and suddenly Walt Disney decides he wants to turn all high and mighty. Who is destroying the forest asks young Bambi. The Prince responds with a gruff "MAN"

Fade to black.

Take that early 1940's forest workmen.

Then we get to the talking point of the whole film. Mother Deer say's something along the lines of "Let's go back to that meadow that we mentioned earlier. Now I know I said it was dangerous but we were fine last time so YOLO."

Famous last words.

Now I would give you another spoiler alert here but come on.  It's 75 years old. If you haven't watched it by now, you probably won't

Bambi's Mum gets shot by a hunter. It's all very quick and barely a minute later, big Prince Deer is towering over Bambi telling him his Mum is gone. Great. Bit of an anti-climax that one.

Fade to black again. Disney loves a moody dramatic feel in his films doesn't he!

When we return, we now have teenage Bambi returning to his home town like American Pie 3. All his friends pop out and we have a glorious reunion. Cue shock number 2. Flower the skunk is a boy as well?! Everything I know about Disney at this point is being thrown into disregard.

Suddenly, the old man owl from the very beginning is back on the scene and he has some wise words for teenage Bambi and his chums. Not before he delivers the one liner of the entire Disney vault so far with a simple "I was talking to myself the other day and we wondered what had become of you". Glorious.

However, humour swiftly turns to warning as Old Man Owl tells our now teenaged tearaways that they need to beware. They must be on the lookout as they do not want to become Twitterpated.



"IT COULD COME FROM ANYWHERE!" he exclaims.

What is this word I hear you ask? It soon becomes apparent that Twitterpated means to catch the eye of a young female and fall in love. A terrible disease. However, our heroes are all teenage boys. They don't care for women. It surely won't happen to them.

Within two minutes, all are in love.


Now this should be our happy ending but suddenly Bambi's girlfriend Pauline has a secret. Bambi is not her first and her emo ex boyfriend is suddenly back on the scene to win back her affections.



It's a kids film, obviously the hero wins this fight pretty simply and wins the affections of Pauline and everyone is happy.

BUT THEN!!

Big Prince Deer arrives as if from nowhere. Bambi mate, Man is back and you remember what happened last time. Cue mass panic around the forest. Animals run for cover in all directions. Man not happy that all their potential food is running away decides to set fire to the forest. (Note: I can only assume it was fire, clearly 1942 was a bit too early for realistic fire animation)

Bambi doesn't quite make it and takes a shot to the chest. What? Bambi dies too, don't remember this?


Nope. In a magical turn of events, Big Prince John pulls a Taller Ghost Walt and towers over the dying Bambi and tells him he has work to do. Suddenly, just like John Locke, Bambi recovers from a gunshot wound in moments and all is well with the world. Clearly the writers of Lost watched a little too much Disney as children.

The aforementioned work that the Prince mentioned was to get busy with Pauline. We need a new prince. In true Disney fashion, we go full circle and end with a new Prince for Bambi II, which I can only assume actually exists.

After growing to love Bambi throughout the film, the ending shows him for what he truly is. He is a man now and has no time for his woman, even during childbirth. He just watches down from above. Probably has some pretty important Great Prince duties to attend to.




And that is that. Our fifth Disney Animated Classic.

Only 50 more to go...

Next up: Saludos Amigos.

Fantastic...

Dumbo

We have finally done it friends. We had Snow White, the tale of a bitchy princess who uses seven disabled men for accommodation and then runs off with someone else. Then we had Pinocchio, the tale of a stupid boy who never learns from his mistakes. Then we had the absolute borefest of Fantasia. Well...

Fourth time lucky! Dumbo was an absolute treat. An hour of laughs but whilst also tugging at the heart strings and simultaneously scaring the living daylights out of anyone of any age watching. Yes I am talking about the Walt Disney staple that is an odd trippy section midway through the film that really makes no sense and only seems to scare children for no reason. I don't know if the children of 1941 were tougher than the children (or rather twenty-something academics...) of today but for some reason Walt and his team was intent on causing many a nightmare.




So for those that don't know, Dumbo brings us the story of a baby elephant who has big ears. He is mocked for said ears but for the majority of the film is completely delirious to this mockery. He is a baby after all. Dumbo and his small mouse friend, who remained nameless for the entire film and required an IMDB search to find out that his name is Timothy, then continue to get drunk (much like Pinocchio, Walt clearly likes a tale of childhood alcohol abuse...) and then after the aforementioned scary trippy elephant scene, discover that he can fly because of his wing like ears.

Considering this is a main point of the story, we get fifty five minutes into the one hour runtime before Dumbo even considers flying. Odd move there Walt.

Musically, we get some forgotten gems. Turns out I remember every word to the jaunty little railway number 'Casey Junior' and who doesn't tap their toe along to 'When I See An Elephant Fly.'
Also, if you ever wanted to learn to fly yourself, Timothy Mouse is an excellent teacher, as he is showing just over to your left.



 I have just decided just now that we should be putting these lovely colourful creations in some kind of order, so as to declare a favourite when our half century and a bit challenge comes to an end. Four films in and this is a relatively simple task. Dumbo goes straight in at number one whilst Fantasia will take some beating in bottom place. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves sits comfortable second at this early stage with Pinocchio in third.

So, how do you feel about leading the chart Dumbo?

Ultimately, this fun filled tale of an elephant with slightly bigger ears than other elephants is a hit. It's quirky humour and unexpected tale of childhood alcohol abuse seem to work together to give sixty one minutes of enjoyment. If nothing else, who isn't slightly motivated by this Timothy Mouse quote?

Next up: Bambi. 

Fantasia

                                       

So there is a reason you haven't heard from us in a while. That reason is Fantasia. We sat down one Saturday morning recently to carry on with our Disney challenge and as we all know, number three on the Walt Disney studios animated classics pile is the operatic orgasm which is Fantasia.

Now we were sceptical. What we did remember wasn't great. However dear reader, we were convinced by many close to us that we were in for a treat. "Oh that's my favourite" and "I love that film" filled us with excitement. Maybe we were wrong about this one. Maybe we'd be unearthing a new favourite. 

Every single one of the people that recommended it to us was wrong. We didn't even finish it. Despite the best will in the world to finish the film,  it was just an absolute bore. With no real story and for the majority, not even an actual picture in front of you, it was impossible to get into and we found ourselves distracted and eager to finish. 

The Sorcerers Apprentice, or as it should be called; Mickey and his dancing brooms, was a brief break from the insane monotony of the other 'stories' within this amalgamation of boredom but overall, it just lacked the Disney magic that we have become accustomed to. Even this classic scene became annoying with hindsight. Lazy bugger. Just do your job and carry the water yourself. 

Now, I must say, there will be people out there that love classical music and enjoy a man waving a stick at a blue blob bouncing around a television screen but I can assure you that all of these people are wrong. The film is terrible. It may well have gone down well in the early 1940s but a young couple of 2016 were just not enthralled. If we wanted to watch some 1940s classical concert, we'd probably just live in 1940 now wouldn't we. Come on Fantasia, get with the times!

Three films in and we are yet to find one that is 'classic' or, to be totally honest, any good at all. 

Next stop: Dumbo. 

Pinocchio

Now children, chapter two of our long and winding road of animated nostalgia takes us to Italy and tells us the tale of Pinocchio or as it should be known, 'The Tale of Jiminy Cricket and the Stupid Wooden Boy Who Gets Into Unnecessary Trouble.'

We all know the story - Old Italian man makes poor life choices, ends up old and childless, does what any of us would do and makes himself a wooden child and wishes that the child was real. Fairy is listening, wish comes true, old Italian man is left with a regrettable burden.

For the second time running, it turns out that our titular character is just a bit of a knob. Granted, he literally was born yesterday but we can't excuse his stupidity in running off with a singing fox not once but twice. Sorry Pinoch. You were even outshone by a cricket. A wisecracking cricket granted but still Pinoch. Up your game.

The highlights of this solid 2/10? The music. We all know When You Wish Upon a Star is a timeless classic but the flood of nostalgia when out good pal Pinoch sings about his lack of strings is unbeatable.

So if Pinocchio isn't our hero, who is there to fill the void. Jiminy Cricket? Seems the obvious choice doesn't it. Old Italian Man? He's as stupid as Pinocchio if you ask me. Nope. There is only one winner.

Figaro the cat. She spends the entire film being kicked around and hated upon by Old Italian Man and is ultimately replaced by Pinocchio. Yet, this absolute hero of a cat still finds it in himself to go hunting for this wooden boy who stupidly got himself lost, despite leaving him stranded inside a whale. This brings me to a major plot hole in this tale. Could a man, a cat and a fish all survive inside a whale who is sitting on the bottom of the ocean?

What do you think Figaro, sound believable to you?

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Now boys and girls, as you may or may not know, way back in 1937, Walt Disney produced his first animated feature film and in the almost eighty years that have succeeded this, 53 other fun loving family friendly films have been added to the 'animated classics' library. As you can see above, my lifelong goal of collecting every single chapter is almost complete (The task made all the more tricky by ruling that each DVD must be the edition released with a yellow numbered oval on the spine) Now, we all have our favourites don't we. The majority are adored by children and adults alike worldwide. However, for every Frozen we have a Saludos Amigos. For every The Lion King we have a Home on the Range. Now dear readers, I am no fool. I will not doubt the genius of Walter Elias Disney and argue what is deemed to be a classic and what is not. This is mainly due to the fact that of the 54 Disney Classics that exist at the time of writing, at least 25 of these remain unseen. Until now...


Once upon a time in a cold and snowy town, not far from the bluest of rivers, a young girl named Toner invited her good friend Adam around to her palace. Upon arrival, after a feast of Portuguese chicken, Toner and Adam set out on a journey that would make the next twelve months the most colourful and bright that they had ever seen...

Our journey begins in a magical kingdom in 1937. The first chapter of Disney's vast back-catalogue of stories takes us to the world of a poorly drawn princess and her seven questionably nosed friends. I won't be as crude as to put it in black and white but watch it again. You won't see a dwarf's nose in the same way again. It turns out that despite being the first of the now famous 'Disney Princesses' and an idol to little girls everywhere, Snow White is a bit of a bitch.

 'Oh, I'll just let myself into this house and clean everything' 

'Oh, I'll just sleep on three peoples beds'

 'Oh, I'll just walk into their happy lives and make them wash and eat healthy' 

 And even if that could all be forgiven, after Snow 'dies' and the dwarfs work through their emotional distress to hand craft a gold and glass coffin for this girl (whom they met just yesterday may I add), upon her reincarnation, all they get is a happy goodbye and a flick of the bird. Off she rides with the prince. Bitch.

So to a segment that you will grow to love, the Hidden Hero of the film. We have now realised that Snow White does not deserve her eponymous role. Six of the seven dwarfs are instantly forgettable and Dopey is too stupid to deserve the award. Therefore, the award of the inaugural Hidden Hero goes to this guy -

For his undying commitment to trying to get places on time despite knowing deep down that he won't meet the intended target. Congratulations tiny turtle. You will take some beating as my favourite Disney character.