Dumbo

We have finally done it friends. We had Snow White, the tale of a bitchy princess who uses seven disabled men for accommodation and then runs off with someone else. Then we had Pinocchio, the tale of a stupid boy who never learns from his mistakes. Then we had the absolute borefest of Fantasia. Well...

Fourth time lucky! Dumbo was an absolute treat. An hour of laughs but whilst also tugging at the heart strings and simultaneously scaring the living daylights out of anyone of any age watching. Yes I am talking about the Walt Disney staple that is an odd trippy section midway through the film that really makes no sense and only seems to scare children for no reason. I don't know if the children of 1941 were tougher than the children (or rather twenty-something academics...) of today but for some reason Walt and his team was intent on causing many a nightmare.




So for those that don't know, Dumbo brings us the story of a baby elephant who has big ears. He is mocked for said ears but for the majority of the film is completely delirious to this mockery. He is a baby after all. Dumbo and his small mouse friend, who remained nameless for the entire film and required an IMDB search to find out that his name is Timothy, then continue to get drunk (much like Pinocchio, Walt clearly likes a tale of childhood alcohol abuse...) and then after the aforementioned scary trippy elephant scene, discover that he can fly because of his wing like ears.

Considering this is a main point of the story, we get fifty five minutes into the one hour runtime before Dumbo even considers flying. Odd move there Walt.

Musically, we get some forgotten gems. Turns out I remember every word to the jaunty little railway number 'Casey Junior' and who doesn't tap their toe along to 'When I See An Elephant Fly.'
Also, if you ever wanted to learn to fly yourself, Timothy Mouse is an excellent teacher, as he is showing just over to your left.



 I have just decided just now that we should be putting these lovely colourful creations in some kind of order, so as to declare a favourite when our half century and a bit challenge comes to an end. Four films in and this is a relatively simple task. Dumbo goes straight in at number one whilst Fantasia will take some beating in bottom place. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves sits comfortable second at this early stage with Pinocchio in third.

So, how do you feel about leading the chart Dumbo?

Ultimately, this fun filled tale of an elephant with slightly bigger ears than other elephants is a hit. It's quirky humour and unexpected tale of childhood alcohol abuse seem to work together to give sixty one minutes of enjoyment. If nothing else, who isn't slightly motivated by this Timothy Mouse quote?

Next up: Bambi. 

Fantasia

                                       

So there is a reason you haven't heard from us in a while. That reason is Fantasia. We sat down one Saturday morning recently to carry on with our Disney challenge and as we all know, number three on the Walt Disney studios animated classics pile is the operatic orgasm which is Fantasia.

Now we were sceptical. What we did remember wasn't great. However dear reader, we were convinced by many close to us that we were in for a treat. "Oh that's my favourite" and "I love that film" filled us with excitement. Maybe we were wrong about this one. Maybe we'd be unearthing a new favourite. 

Every single one of the people that recommended it to us was wrong. We didn't even finish it. Despite the best will in the world to finish the film,  it was just an absolute bore. With no real story and for the majority, not even an actual picture in front of you, it was impossible to get into and we found ourselves distracted and eager to finish. 

The Sorcerers Apprentice, or as it should be called; Mickey and his dancing brooms, was a brief break from the insane monotony of the other 'stories' within this amalgamation of boredom but overall, it just lacked the Disney magic that we have become accustomed to. Even this classic scene became annoying with hindsight. Lazy bugger. Just do your job and carry the water yourself. 

Now, I must say, there will be people out there that love classical music and enjoy a man waving a stick at a blue blob bouncing around a television screen but I can assure you that all of these people are wrong. The film is terrible. It may well have gone down well in the early 1940s but a young couple of 2016 were just not enthralled. If we wanted to watch some 1940s classical concert, we'd probably just live in 1940 now wouldn't we. Come on Fantasia, get with the times!

Three films in and we are yet to find one that is 'classic' or, to be totally honest, any good at all. 

Next stop: Dumbo. 

Pinocchio

Now children, chapter two of our long and winding road of animated nostalgia takes us to Italy and tells us the tale of Pinocchio or as it should be known, 'The Tale of Jiminy Cricket and the Stupid Wooden Boy Who Gets Into Unnecessary Trouble.'

We all know the story - Old Italian man makes poor life choices, ends up old and childless, does what any of us would do and makes himself a wooden child and wishes that the child was real. Fairy is listening, wish comes true, old Italian man is left with a regrettable burden.

For the second time running, it turns out that our titular character is just a bit of a knob. Granted, he literally was born yesterday but we can't excuse his stupidity in running off with a singing fox not once but twice. Sorry Pinoch. You were even outshone by a cricket. A wisecracking cricket granted but still Pinoch. Up your game.

The highlights of this solid 2/10? The music. We all know When You Wish Upon a Star is a timeless classic but the flood of nostalgia when out good pal Pinoch sings about his lack of strings is unbeatable.

So if Pinocchio isn't our hero, who is there to fill the void. Jiminy Cricket? Seems the obvious choice doesn't it. Old Italian Man? He's as stupid as Pinocchio if you ask me. Nope. There is only one winner.

Figaro the cat. She spends the entire film being kicked around and hated upon by Old Italian Man and is ultimately replaced by Pinocchio. Yet, this absolute hero of a cat still finds it in himself to go hunting for this wooden boy who stupidly got himself lost, despite leaving him stranded inside a whale. This brings me to a major plot hole in this tale. Could a man, a cat and a fish all survive inside a whale who is sitting on the bottom of the ocean?

What do you think Figaro, sound believable to you?

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Now boys and girls, as you may or may not know, way back in 1937, Walt Disney produced his first animated feature film and in the almost eighty years that have succeeded this, 53 other fun loving family friendly films have been added to the 'animated classics' library. As you can see above, my lifelong goal of collecting every single chapter is almost complete (The task made all the more tricky by ruling that each DVD must be the edition released with a yellow numbered oval on the spine) Now, we all have our favourites don't we. The majority are adored by children and adults alike worldwide. However, for every Frozen we have a Saludos Amigos. For every The Lion King we have a Home on the Range. Now dear readers, I am no fool. I will not doubt the genius of Walter Elias Disney and argue what is deemed to be a classic and what is not. This is mainly due to the fact that of the 54 Disney Classics that exist at the time of writing, at least 25 of these remain unseen. Until now...


Once upon a time in a cold and snowy town, not far from the bluest of rivers, a young girl named Toner invited her good friend Adam around to her palace. Upon arrival, after a feast of Portuguese chicken, Toner and Adam set out on a journey that would make the next twelve months the most colourful and bright that they had ever seen...

Our journey begins in a magical kingdom in 1937. The first chapter of Disney's vast back-catalogue of stories takes us to the world of a poorly drawn princess and her seven questionably nosed friends. I won't be as crude as to put it in black and white but watch it again. You won't see a dwarf's nose in the same way again. It turns out that despite being the first of the now famous 'Disney Princesses' and an idol to little girls everywhere, Snow White is a bit of a bitch.

 'Oh, I'll just let myself into this house and clean everything' 

'Oh, I'll just sleep on three peoples beds'

 'Oh, I'll just walk into their happy lives and make them wash and eat healthy' 

 And even if that could all be forgiven, after Snow 'dies' and the dwarfs work through their emotional distress to hand craft a gold and glass coffin for this girl (whom they met just yesterday may I add), upon her reincarnation, all they get is a happy goodbye and a flick of the bird. Off she rides with the prince. Bitch.

So to a segment that you will grow to love, the Hidden Hero of the film. We have now realised that Snow White does not deserve her eponymous role. Six of the seven dwarfs are instantly forgettable and Dopey is too stupid to deserve the award. Therefore, the award of the inaugural Hidden Hero goes to this guy -

For his undying commitment to trying to get places on time despite knowing deep down that he won't meet the intended target. Congratulations tiny turtle. You will take some beating as my favourite Disney character.